Edge

To me, it is not about chasing the crown of fatherhood but running through the mountains of fatherhood at my own pace - finding joy in the climbs to different summits.

It is about discovering beauty in sharpening my edge as a father, embracing these new challenges without needing a crown, and knowing the real victory lies in the experiences along the way. 

Fatherhood changed everything about who I felt I am. Initially, it turned into a fistfight with my heart. Going from having the free will to do as I pleased to having my time governed by the needs of others felt as if my heart’s circuit breakers were going to explode. I let the burlap sack of imposter syndrome hold my heart captive for a long time. I felt a loss of who I was slowly slipping between my fingers. And that sharp edge that keeps the dark passenger away began too dull.

This edge I speak of is not hyper vigilance, but instead a disciplined vigilance. It gives blood and oxygen to my muscles, which supports my efforts of moving through the mountains of fatherhood. 

Today’s world demands more than providing the basics of food, water, shelter, and security as a father. In twelve years, I have come to accept fatherhood as a journey through different phases of self-discovery, recalibration, adaptation, and actualization. It is caring for yourself in a way that enables a path of legacy in the humans that the Lord has blessed me to raise in this beautifully chaotic world he gives life too. 

Early on, I struggled to find rhythm amidst the changes. This new mountain range that my feet kiss gently morphed into a new teacher without realizing the shape-shift. I viewed time as an enemy for the longest, making the fistfight with her a drainage of colors to my new landscape.  These fights taught me that time never stops breathing and to embrace life as the leaves fall and regrow from the trees. 

Sharpening my edge needed a unique set of land navigation skills specific to the range of mountains fatherhood requires to survive. There’s the need to find ways to create intentional moments of recalibration I call “white space.” A counterbalance to life’s structure and demands. White space is a block of time carved out to engage in something purposeful and productive to me, with no rules. It is a space to invest in me, to find peace, and to sharpen this edge. 

These windows of white space continue to shape who I turn into over time as I create my footpaths through the mountain range of fatherhood. I found I needed to stop fighting shame and let go of the self-judgment that once paralyzed me. I now must accept this new identity of who I am. 

When people ask me how I juggle fatherhood, marriage, running a business, and personal growth, my answer is simple: “I have a supportive wife who helps provide the free will to keep going.” Her belief in me to not judge harshly and embrace space for growth rather than shame when I embrace my white space. And her words too are even harder to apply in her journey of motherhood. She and I continue to build a support system with fewer limitations, filled with the magic of free will grounded in love and free from judgment for the both of us in our new identities of parenthood. 

Since the sweet voice’s singing of the angels marked my start of becoming a father, I transformed from a co-parenting father to a full-time father. Yes, life feels overwhelming at times, but the free will in sharpening the edge is a main source of fuel to keep taking one step at a time and to provide the space for love through my journey of fatherhood. 

As I navigate these mountains of time—with their peaks of joy and valleys of challenge—I hold on to a single truth.

“To keep moving joyfully and appreciate the contrast that time and life offers. The contrast flies across my mind’s eye that if death ambushes me tomorrow, I want to feel in my heart I gave my best with every action taken to that point. So when it is my turn to make my walk up the mountain towards the angels who slowly unlock those pearly gates to heaven. I carry nothing but love and leave a positive legacy in this life.”