The Process of Endurance - Part 2
A sense of love rushes over me when running, maybe that’s due to the fact: deep inside my biological makeup, the cells are no longer black like the blood of my enemy. The race of life is not a race in my eyes, it is all part of the experience - a celebration - a step into uncertainty with a strong heart.
After the DNF, my spirit came out of me, not to run away but to guide me on a journey over the next few years. To teach me the meaning of true endurance - it’s not a race, not at all; racing is an environment meant to push the limits with safety nets in place. The mask worn to run ultra-marathons for the longest time came with no name, no depth, and felt as if doing these endeavors turned into a time to avoid the psychotic break in me around the corner.
Getting off the wagon and back to chasing the rush of endurance, came after the feeling of losing the activity of enlightenment, which gave me light and a tool to keep the psychosis away. Yet, the psychotic break never came during these times, no it came during a moment of deep meditation, showing me to not be afraid, of the insanity that lives within me.
The goal is to find ways to channel this craziness without harming others and the biggest one of them all, harming yourself. Thoughts, emotions, and feelings are part of life and at times they will become a tsunami of pain that slowly pull you away from who you are, and test you. The trick is to never act; in ending your life completely. To act in dishonor comes even more pain in my eyes, the ripple effect it creates from such actions, leaves a dump truck of pain and suffering on mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, family, and friends.
Life is full of pain and suffering filled with pleasure and happiness, but one is harder to achieve than the other. It doesn’t ever go away, a special gift of the unknown, an experience to use magic and manifest anything we truly believe is possible. So why not try and relieve the pain and suffering first to clear the mental landscape to provide space for happiness and pleasure to grow?
Being able to sharpen my skills as a father, husband, friend, son, and brother over the last few years seems to be a process with no end, with no final destination or a specific set of miles to be completed. No, that is not the case here and for the longest time, it ate me up inside, why? The answer is tough to sort through at the moment, the question carries more range than any ultra-marathon distance out there is today to race. See, guilt and grief look very similar on the surface but once the mask is off of them, a sphere of anger, sadness, animosity, and loneliness stands underneath. Each carries more weight at times, morphing into one massive ball of energy that snowballs the human experience into a black hole of death.
What running long distances did for me has provided the space to feel and think for myself, no one else’s guidance, no one to answer to, no one to offend, and no one to move my legs for me, they moved because of the purpose in life to keep living.
It felt like a pause over time, the pause becomes a hold, and the hold turns into nothing, losing grip of what used to be, but now fast forward four years later, and running for me is an activity not to fill the white space or occupy my mind, no, this is not the case anymore.
White space doesn’t exist in the day anymore, learning to be a true artist, holds to filling his day with details of contrast, depth, texture, and shades of various colors. The last four years have taught me to be a better human with no endpoint. Being able to channel the psychosis that lives within my heart, mind, body, soul, and spirit.
We all have this insanity, some mask it with booze, hookers, and cocaine, and some let it loose and harm themselves and others. Then you have a small group of people who take hold and use it in a manner to be successful and who learn to love this piece of themselves. To build that relationship with the alter-self a failure drill to the alter-ego needs to happen, with two to the chest and one to the head.
It feels like a cleanse these days to tie up the laces and head out for a run. By letting the heart and mind run free with no direction. A state of euphoria sets in, only happening when my heart rate increase, my body temperature raises, and my legs start to fill with blood from the undulations in terrain; sending my spirit wondering into an abyss of happiness.
My build-up and prep for previous races came with a lot of internal wars that didn’t fade away after completing such adventures, and today those internal battles are no longer the fuel to my fire. The fuel changed, what once was a spark is now something new, it morphed from hate and discontent to love and enrichment. Running continues to teach me how to feel and not just feel, but to tune into and learn to feel in every moment of this human experience.
When the time comes to suffer and face the pain of running far distances and living this human experience, the actions are now enriched with love, grace, grit, and a strong will, giving me the chance to feel in the moment, knowing this is what life is all about.
True warriors speak and write about internal - external war and love.
